2025-05-18 15:03:43

12



开店基金:

破产姐妹

第一季 第10集

厄尔 今晚打扮得很犀利嘛

Oh, you look pretty sharp tonight, Earl.

有什么特别的活动吗

You going somewhere special?

麦克斯 我是75岁的"黑"钻王老五

Max, I am free black and 75.

我的夜晚有无限的"可能"

Who knows what the night will bring?

给你张二十

Well, here's a twenty.

如你弄碎我的心般 把这钱弄成碎银子给我吧

Can you break this the way you just broke my heart?

一半 两半

Pop-pop.

瞧瞧这堆钱

Look at all this.

今晚大家小费给得真多呀

People really tipped us well tonight.

是啊 不过年是不会天天过的

Yeah, well, don't get used to it.

等人们意识到感恩节的来临

Thanksgiving is almost here, and as soon as people realize

自己得在礼物上花多少钱

how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts,

名媛金·卡戴珊与NBA球星克里斯·亨弗里斯结婚72日便离婚

带来1800万美元进账的婚礼被指责是借婚礼捞钱

他们的钱包就会像金·卡戴珊的两腿一样

their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs

一领完婚礼捞来的钱 就"夹得紧紧的"

after the wedding check cleared.

我喜欢每年的这个时期

I've always loved this time of year--

香料南瓜拿铁 拿出我的冬日皮草

spiced pumpkin lattes, bringing my winter furs out,

然后拿着我的冬日皮草去干洗店

then bringing my winter furs to the dry cleaner's

把人道对待动物协会泼的红漆弄掉

to get the red peta paint out.

节日之于我 就是跳进一堆叶子

For me, it was jumping into a pile of leaves

像寻宝一样找一个用过的套子

and finding a used condom.

《玉米田的小孩》 美国惊悚片

怎么了 玉米田的小孩

What's up, children of the corn?

今晚我会留下熬夜装饰餐厅

I will stay tonight and decorate diner

为美国节日感恩节做好准备

for American holiday of Thanksgiving.

在美国的第一个冬天 新移民已死伤过半

隔年夏天盼望的丰收最终实现 因此有了感恩节谢神

我很意外你居然能拿对装饰物

I'm surprised you got the right holiday decorations.

赎罪日是犹太人最神圣的节日

犹太人在圣殿举行献祭仪式用的是羊

上个月赎罪日 你居然把复活节的兔子给摆出来

Last month, you put out Easter bunnies for Yom Kippur.

犹太节日太多 我没空在维基百科上逐个搜

So many Jewish holidays, I cannot Wikipedia them all.

笑屁啊 我的生活又不是只有这餐馆

What, like I don't got a life?

我和我爸每年感恩节都有一个特别的传统

My father and I had a very special Thanksgiving tradition every year.

我猜猜

Oh, let me guess.

巴哈马是著名的旅游胜地 亚热带气候

你们飞到巴哈马之类的地方 在泳池边逍遥

You'd fly someplace like the Bahamas, lay by the pool,

然后把你爸骗来的钱当柴火烧吗

and he'd light other people's stolen money on fire?

华尔道夫酒店是纽约历史悠久的五星级酒店

不 我们会在华尔道夫酒店租出一间宴会厅

No. We'd rent out the Waldorf Astoria ballrooms

然后宴请那些无家可归的人

and feed the homeless.

我现在没有脸见你

Don't look at me right now.

圣巴特岛是加勒比海地区的美丽小岛

那里名人云集 物价高昂

之后我们就会飞到圣巴特岛 度两周假

And after, we'd fly down to our home in St. Barts for two weeks.

好吧 我又有脸见你了

Okay, you can look at me again.

我曾在华尔道夫酒店住过一次

I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria once--

酒店很漂亮

beautiful hotel.

汉堡出身名贵 身价五十

$50 for a hamburger?

让那汉堡吃我还差不多

For that money, it should eat me first.

好了 准备走了吗

Okay, ready to go?

憨 如果你想在餐馆做点什么

Han, if you'd really like to do something in the diner

来纪念感恩节的精神

to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving,

你可以打开门 让流浪汉们饱餐一顿

you can open your doors and feed the homeless.

对啊 把你的钱放在你的"玉米秆"那儿

Yeah, put your money where your cornstalk is.

我和卡洛琳可以免费帮忙

Caroline and I will work for free.

我在街上看见他们 会朝他们微笑

Isn't it enough that when I see them on the street,

并佯装找零钱 这还不够吗

I smile and pretend to fumble for change?

不 不够

No, it isn't.

就免费开放一晚 你还承受得起吧

You can afford to open the diner for one night.

帮助别人 情感上的满足是无价的

You can't put a price tag on those kind of emotional rewards.

可以 一只十六磅重的火鸡要十八块

Yes, I can. $18 for 16-pound turkey,

而且到时候得要很多只

and I will need many of them.

瞧 都是"有价"的

There--price tag.

给 火鸡钱我来出

Here, I will pay for turkeys.

老天 兄弟 你哪来这么多钱

Jeez, dude, where'd you get that?

我从新罕布什尔洲运香烟到纽约 倒卖给学生

I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire to schoolkids in New York.

收益不错 而且一路上风景也很美

It is a good profit and beautiful drive.

我爱死那些落叶了

I love the leaves.

那好吧

All right.

我感受到大家的热情了 那我出派

I'm feeling y'all. I'll bring the pie.

我妈妈以前做的巧克力派是全世界最好吃的

My mother used to make the best chocolate pie.

我记得有一次她特别气她的老板 一个白人女人

I remember one time she got so mad at this white woman she worked for,

她把巧克力派带进厕所

she took this chocolate pie into the bathroom--

《相助》讲述的美国社会对黑人女佣的不公平对待

有段因黑人女佣故意用了白人女主人的厕所而被赶出家门的情节

慢着 这好像是《相助》里的情节

No, hold up. That was from the help.

我知道这不是我们以前用的高级货

I know it's not Burberry like we're used to,

相信我 搬家包家具的毯子 今年将会是时尚尖端

but I'm telling you, used moving blankets are gonna be in this year.

创造潮流 非你莫属啊

Who's a trendsetter?

今年到11月还这么暖和 真是幸运

We're really lucky November is so warm.

今年感恩节我还要感谢一样东西 就是

Another thing I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving--

全球暖化

global warming.

我想仅存的三只北极熊可不同意

I think the three remaining polar bears would disagree.

麦克斯 是时候教我烘培了

Max, it's time to teach me how to bake.

可以 不过要我教你的话

Okay, well, if we're doing that,

得先等我抽爽了

first I have to go get baked.

我是说真的

I'm serious.

节日季开始了

It's the beginning of the holiday season,

到时候没准会需要圣诞小蛋糕和节日礼品篮

and with all the potential Christmas cupcakes and festive gift baskets,

你会需要一个帮手的

you're gonna need as much help as you can get.

节日礼品篮

Festive holiday gift baskets?

不要

No way.

我才不想掺和进这些破玩意儿

I'm not into all that crap.

别啊 难道你是那种

Oh, no. Are you gonna be one of those,

"我成熟到不再相信圣诞节的神奇"的贱人吗

"I am too cool to believe in the wonders of Christmas" type of bitches?

我是很多种类型的贱人 多到我数不过来

I am so many types of bitches, I've lost count.

我唯一注意到的圣诞奇迹是

And the only wonder of Christmas I'm aware of is...

我好奇你这种心态是否能

I wonder how you're gonna keep up that attitude

保持到今年的圣诞节

through Christmas this year.

为什么 因为这是我第一次一贫如洗地过节吗

Why, because this is my first holiday without any money?

正是如此

Uh, yeah.

节日的特别不是靠钱堆砌出来的 麦克斯

Money isn't what makes the holidays special, Max.

正是如此

Uh, yeah.

节日完全是靠钱堆砌出来的

The holidays are totally about money.

花钱买东西

It's about spending money to buy things

来塞进我们心中那深不见底的洞 以此来提醒我们

to stuff into the giant black sucking hole in the center of each of us that reminds us

在死之前 日子都不会好过

life is hard and then we die.

这就是我圣诞卡的祝语

And that's my Christmas card.

麦克斯 我知道这个节日季节会不好过

Max, I'm aware this holiday season will be challenging,

我会想念我们家由十位男同精心布置的

will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree

高达二十英尺的圣诞树吗 会

decorated by ten gay men? Yes.

我会想念十位男同在我表弟斯蒂芬

Will I miss those ten gay men

做好心里准备前就逼他出柜吗 不会

outing my cousin Steven before he was ready? No.

我的节日精神更胜我的钱

My holiday spirit is bigger than my money.

所以拜托 教我烘培吧

So come on, teach me how to bake.

我们只剩两周时间了

We only have a couple weeks.

好 倒一杯牛奶进搅拌器

Fine. Pour a cup of milk into the mixer.

这肯定会很好玩

This will be fun.

当我还小 我常常用我的儿童简易烤箱

When I was little, I used to make my father cakes

做蛋糕给我爸爸吃

in my easy-bake oven.

我的儿童烤箱被人没收了

My easy-bake oven was repossessed.

既然说到你爸 你还好吧

So, um, speaking of your father, are you doing okay?

我是说 每年的这时人们最容易胡思乱想了 而且...

I mean, this is a hard time of year for people who have feelings, and just...

你爸还在监狱 你真的没事吗

With your father in prison, how are you doing?

我没事

I'm doing great.

其实我刚发现正因为是感恩节

I actually just found out that since it's Thanksgiving,

他们准许我第一次去看他

they're allowing me to come see him for the first time.

那股兴奋劲儿很快就会随 全身洞口搜查而逐渐变弱

Well, that excitement will probably taper off after the full-body cavity search.

不知道 或许我会喜欢呢

I don't know. I might like it.

很久没人给我做"洞口"搜查了

It's been a while since I've had any cavities searched.

好啦 倒牛奶吧 小骚货

All right, pour the milk, slut.

一杯牛奶

One cup milk.

-搞定 怎么样 -不错

- There, how's that? - Good.

放进搅拌器

Now into the mixer.

搞定 怎么样

There, how was that?

又不是在玩"富家女每做一件事就赢一座奖杯"游戏

We're not playing "Rich girl gets a trophy every time she does something normal"

用布把碗盖起来 这样就不会溅出来 然后打开开关

Just cover the bowl with the towel so it doesn't splash out, and turn it on.

电源忘插了

Oh, it's not plugged in.

收到

Right.

不 别把毛巾拿开

No, not without the towel!

一年一度的圣诞节 刚刚大驾光临了

Christmas comes but once a year, and I think it just did.

这些高端搅拌器真贵

These high-end mixers are a lot of money.

我以为如果来家大商店

I thought if we came to a big department store,

不但种类齐全 价格也会合理

there'd be a lot of them, and the prices would be better.

结果我们全买不起

We can't afford these.

那你觉得应该是多少钱

How much did you think they'd be?

我不知道

I don't know.

我可能不习惯看价签

I guess I'm not used to looking at prices.

我通常是用手一指 嘴一撅 就手到擒来了

I usually just point, pout, and it's purchased.

对 我有另一个版本的 只不过更像是

Yeah, I had a version of that, only it was more like,

用手一指 当店员看向别处

point, and when they look the other way,

赶紧把东西塞进裤裆 然后立马开溜

stuff steaks down your pants and run.

拜托 肯定有咱们可以买得起搅拌器

Come on, there has to be a mixer here we can afford.

的确有

There is.

这个

Here.

五块钱的勺子 我们就只买得起这个吗

A $5 spoon? That's what we can afford?

是啊 买这个只需要分期付款 努力干个几年...

Yeah, if we put it on layaway, work hard for a few years.

在你想要的东西附近 我很习惯"买不起"

I'm used to being poor around your stuff,

可在我想要的东西前 我不想穷啊

but not around stuff that I want.

你那"钱不是万能"的节日精神跑哪儿去了

What happened to all your "money's not important" holiday spirit now?

麦克斯 怎么感觉是你想让我对节日感到沮丧

Max, it feels like you want me to be depressed about the holidays.

不 不 我只是说如果你没那感觉

No, no. I'm just saying that it's okay for you

就不用装出一副积极向上的样子

not to be all up and everything around me

没关系啊

if you're not feeling it.

露出你的阴暗面没有关系

It's all right to let your dark side out.

星际大战中 黑武士的经典名句

快弃明投暗吧

Come to the dark side.

天啊

Oh, my God.

快看 他们在招聘精灵

Look, they're hiring elves.

如果我能去圣诞乐园

Why would I go to the dark side

为什么还要弃明投暗呢

when I could go to Santaworld?

圣诞节前开始 各大商场都会有巨型圣诞树

而树下会有圣诞老人跟小精灵们陪小朋友拍照

快去排队吧 我从小就热爱圣诞乐园

Let's go get in line. I've always loved Santaworld.

我也是呢 不过我是说笑的

Me too, as a David Sedaris story,

大卫·赛德瑞斯 美国著名幽默作家

就像大卫·赛德瑞斯的笑话那样

not as an actual real-life option.

拜托啦 如果我们被录用了

Come on. If we get hired,

我们就能用员工折扣

we could use our employee discount

购买一台质量上乘的蛋糕搅拌器

to get one of the really good cake mixers.

然后就感觉像是圣诞老人送的一样

And then it'd be like it came from Santa!

拜托 麦克斯 我们会是很棒的精灵

Come on, Max, we'd be great elves.

我有节日精神 你跟孩子处得来

I have the holiday spirit. You're great with kids.

而且我们缺钱缺到 愿意去穿别人穿过的紧身衣

And we're both so desperate for money, we'll wear other people's tights.

麦克斯 自小我爸爸每年都带我

Max, I've been coming to this store at Christmastime

在圣诞节期来到这家商店

with my father since I was little.

我会穿得漂漂亮亮 戴上我最美的帽子

I'd get all dressed up in my fanciest winter coat and hat

然后把手放进我的暖手筒

and then stand in line to see Santa

Muff: 一字多义 有"暖手筒"与"阴道"的意思

排队等着见圣诞老人

with my hands in my muff.

他们没有把你赶出商店吗

And they didn't throw you out?

这个走廊一点圣诞气氛都没有

There is nothing Christmas-y about this hallway.

这里像是圣诞老人把滥交的精灵

It looks like the place Santa sends promiscuous elves

送来拿她们性病检查结果的地方

to get the results of their S.T.D. test.

够了 就是你这种言论

Okay, that's the kind of comment

第一轮就害咱们差点被刷下去

that almost got us knocked out of the first round.

还好有我帮你"美化"申请书

You're lucky I edited your application.

为什么 哪里有写得不好啊

Why, what was so bad?

你申请去圣诞老人的性爱玩具店工作

You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop.

麦克斯 这根本不存在

Max, that's not even a thing.

这话跟我拐杖糖形状的电动棒说去

Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator.

麦克斯

Max!

我称它为"圣诞老人的神来之手"

I call it "Santa's big helper."

请努力有点节日精神好吗

Please try and get into the holiday spirit.

我想到了 如果我们应聘成功

I know. If we get hired,

《34街奇迹》一部讲述圣诞老人是否存在的经典电影

我们就马上回家看《34街奇迹》吧

we'll go right home and watch Miracle on 34th Street.

如果我们能在这艘精灵运奴船上

It'll be a miracle on 34th Street

成功下船而不染上精灵坏血病 那才是真正的奇迹呢

if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy.

你好

Hi.

我不小心听到你提到《34街奇迹》

I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street.

那是我最最喜欢的圣诞电影

That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie.

我也是

Mine too!

《生活多美好》是一部评价极高的温馨励志经典电影

我第二部喜欢的是《生活多美好》

My second favorite is it's a wonderful life.

我也是

Mine too!

《辛德勒的名单》讲述商人辛德勒解救纳粹压迫下犹太人的故事

我有蓝光的《辛德勒的名单》

I've got Schindler's List on Blu-Ray.

-你好 我叫玛丽 -我叫卡洛琳

- Hi. I'm Mary. - I'm Caroline.

你好 我叫玛丽

Hi. I'm Mary.

没关系 无须假客套

It's cool. We don't need to talk.

她是麦克斯 她挺讨厌圣诞节

That's Max. She's kind of a Grinch about Christmas.

就像我哥哥派翠克

Oh, like my brother Patrick--

他总是耻笑我对圣诞节的热爱

He's always teasing me about loving Christmas.

快乐Merry与玛丽Marry同音

他总是称我为"圣诞玛丽"

He calls me "Mary Christmas."

懂吗

Get it?

因为我的名字叫玛丽

It's 'cause my name is Mary.

我就是无法控制 这是我一年中最爱的时期

I can't help it. It's my favorite time of year.

-我也是 -喂

- Mine too. - Yo.

现在斩断还来得及

Disconnect before it's too late.

别这么愤世嫉俗嘛

Don't be so cynical.

尤其在平安夜

Especially Christmas eve.

这是我们奥勃良家族的传统

It's an O'Brien family tradition.

我们七兄妹齐聚一堂

All seven of my sisters and brothers--

我们穿着全新的圣诞睡衣 在楼梯那站成一排

we line up on the staircase in our brand-new Christmas PJs

然后合影留念

and have our picture taken.

那贱人三十岁了

Bitch is 30.

是我爸

It's my father.

老爸 你肯定猜不到我现在在哪

Hi, daddy. You'll never guess where I am right now--

我在应征圣诞乐园的工作

applying for a job at Santaworld.

不 一点儿也不凄惨啊

No, it's not depressing at all.

连在牢的人都觉得这很凄惨

The man's in prison, and he thinks this is depressing.

你确定吗

Oh. Are you sure?

其实也不是很远啦

It's really not that far.

好吧 如果你已经决定了

Okay. If that's what you want.

记得在感恩节给我打电话 爱你哦

Call me on Thanksgiving. Love you.

他想了想 还是不要我去了

He thought about it and doesn't want me to come.

他不想我看他在牢里的样子

He said he can't face having me see him in there.

-你没事吧 -没事

- You okay? - Fine.

各位请安静 现在我来公布结果

Quiet, please, people. I have an announcement.

这走道里的所有人都成功入选成为精灵

Everyone in this corridor has been chosen to be an elf.

Mazel: 希伯来文恭喜的意思

真"恭喜"啊

Mazel.

好棒 我们是精灵了

Yay, we're elves.

黑色星期五 即美国感恩节的第二天

是疯狂采购日

黑色星期五凌晨三点来报道

Report to work at 3:00 A.M. the morning of Black Friday.

真让人兴奋不已

This is so exciting!

那好

Okay, well...

-咱们到时候见啦 -好的 玛丽

- I'll see you both then. - Okay, Mary.

很好 凌晨三点

Great, 3:00 A.M.--

你 我 和一个老处女玛丽

you, me, and definitely-a-Virgin-Mary.

晚安 平安回家哟

Good night. Get home safely.

这句话貌似不应该跟无"家"可归的人说

Maybe I should not have said that to homeless.

终于完事了

That is it.

免费的感恩节大餐在凌晨两点 正式落下帷幕

2:00 A.M.-- Freebie Thanksgiving dinner is now officially over.

根据我的计算

According to my calculations,

有三百个来吃火鸡的人

we served over 300 turkey dinners

但只有两起动刀事故

and only had two knife fights.

谢谢你 卡洛琳

Thank you, Caroline.

这件事让我知道 无论是富人还是穷人

This experience taught me that rich or poor,

安居乐业或是无家可归 我们都一样

home or homeless, we are all the same.

慢着 我的钱包呢

Wait. Where's my wallet?

他们偷走了我的钱包 那些肮脏的混...

They took my wallet, those dirty sons of--

原来在这儿

here it is.

的确 我们都一样

Yes, we are all the same.

我有两件事要说

Well, I have two things to say.

首先 咱俩能一起

First of all, I'm incredibly proud of us

传播感恩节精神 我为我们感到十分自豪

for spreading the spirit of Thanksgiving together.

其次 有人扔了成人尿布在那

And secondly, someone left an adult diaper in this booth,

打死我都不会去善后的

and I am not dealing with that.

干嘛一副苦瓜脸

What's with the sad face?

你看见厕所的惨况了吗

You saw the bathroom?

就是...虽然请了无家可归的人吃饭

It's just--even though we fed the homeless,

但少了我爸 感恩节还是变味了

it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving without my father.

但今晚你让这里的很多人开心

But you made a lot of people happy here tonight,

你该为这件事而感到满足

and you should feel pretty good about that.

-是的 -快点 小精灵

- Yes, I do. - Come on, elf.

赶紧收拾桌子 我们得在一个小时内赶到圣诞乐园

We better clear these tables. We have to be at Santaland in an hour.

为什么你们要大半夜去那里

Why you have to be there in the middle of the night?

因为今天是黑色星期五 清晨五点就开门了

Because it's Black Friday, and the doors open at 5:00 A.M.

对 我们想准时到那里

Yeah, we want to be there right on time

疯狂大采购时 大家会蜂拥而入

常因此有顾客跌倒 被意外践踏致死的惨况

看第一个被无数UGG踩踏至死的人

to see the first person trampled to death by UGGs.

我们已经忙一整晚了 明天还得忙一整天

We have to work all night and then all day tomorrow.

我们哪有这么多精力

How are we gonna do this?

山人自有妙计

I got the answer right here.

麦克斯 我可不嗑药

Max, I'm not doing cocaine.

毒品都买得起 还买不起搅拌器吗

If we could afford cocaine, we could afford a mixer.

坚挺九小时提神饮料 又名精灵果汁

Nine-hour energy shots, aka elf juice.

我从来没喝过这个 管用吗

I've never done these. Do they work?

成千上万大学生精力充沛的最佳选择

Millions of wired-off-their-asses college students can't be wrong.

悠着点 悠着点

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

你刚才把一整瓶都喝光了吗

Did you just drink that whole thing?

对啊 怎么了

Yeah, why?

没事

Nothing.

应该不会过量才是

I'm sure it's not too much.

这上面建议说小口喝 但...

They suggest sipping it, but...

他们又算哪根葱啊

Who are they?

好了 我们快去收拾吧

All right, we'd better go.

我们得快 快快快快快

We got to go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

你该小口喝的

Oh, you should've sipped it.

我看起来怎么样

How do I look?

我觉得自己看起来像一个北极钢管舞娘

Because I kind of feel like I look like a North Pole dancer.

其实你看上去挺可爱的 红色衬你

You actually look cute. You look good in red...

绿色也是 红绿搭配相得益彰

And green-- red and green together.

你可以驾驭一切 你太美了

You can pull off anything. You're so beautiful.

-我夸你太少了 -够了

- I don't tell you that enough. - Whoa!

够了 说慢点 极速快嘴

Whoa, slow down, speed racer.

我知道 可我煞不住嘴

I know. I can't stop talking.

你给我喝的东西里面含什么成分

What was in that stuff you gave me?

我不知道 成分是用西班牙文标注的

I don't know. The ingredients are in Spanish.

我的心现在跳得超级快

Well, my corazon is beating muy rapido.

好啦 为什么你还不穿上精灵服

Okay, and why aren't you in your elf costume yet?

因为我刚跟那边的人聊天

Because I was talking to those people over there,

得知有机会 虽然机会渺茫 但有机会...

and there's a chance-- a slight chance, but a chance--

被调到圣诞颂歌巡演组

I could get moved to the strolling Christmas carolers.

各种族得均匀 而他们还少个金发白人

I overheard their ethnic mix is short a token blond.

我就是金发白人 宝贝儿

And I'm blond, baby!

不许去 你拉我上了这艘精灵贼船 你不许抛下我

Forget it. You got me into the underbelly of the elf beast, and you are not bailing on me.

可那时期的衣服更漂亮

But those period costumes are so much prettier.

如果你敢抛下我 老娘就把你打飞到北极去

I will knock you from here to Rudolph's house if you abandon me.

我们要共同进退 快点把衣服穿上

We are in this together. Now go get your bells on.

好吧 我本来不想告诉你的

Okay, I didn't want to tell you this

因为很恶心 但我那身紧身衣

because it's, well, gross, but the last elf

上一位穿它的精灵 就这么说吧

who had the tights they gave me, well, let's just say

她的精灵大姨妈突然来访

her little lady elf friend visited unexpectedly.

还真有其他时期的衣服呢

Talk about a period costume.

是啊 超恶心啊

You're right. It's disgusting.

我做不来

I can't do this anymore.

我要走了 我不想扮精灵了

I'm leaving. I don't want to do this anymore.

我身心疲惫同时又焦躁不堪

I feel tired and wired at the same time.

这个主意好糟糕 好糟糕 好糟糕 好糟糕

This was an awful, awful, awful, awful, awful idea!

够了 冷静

All right, calm down!

老天 你就像只圣诞抽风猴子

Jeez, you're like a Christmas crack monkey.

听着 我们哪也不去 知道吗

Look, we are not going anywhere, okay?

我衣服都穿好了 我们需要这份工作

You got me all elfed up, and now we need these jobs.

所以去找个人说说

So just go talk to someone

解释下你得换身新衣服的原因

and tell them why you need a new pair of tights.

我做不到 太尴尬了

I can't. It's embarrassing.

要么你去问她 要么你把裤裆撕开

Look, either you ask her, or you rip out the crotch

或冒着露出冬日"阴"境给小朋友的风险

and risk showing six-year-olds your winter wonderland.

我伤心了

Now I'm sad.

你 深色头发的那个

You, the one with the dark hair,

-你跟我来一下 -去哪儿

- I need you to come with me. - Where?

不会是去做药检吧

And is there a drug test involved?

计划有变 我要你扮演圣诞老奶奶

Change of plans. I need for you to be Mrs. Claus.

原来那个人拿更年期当借口跑了

The other one had to leave-- blamed menopause.

拜托 更年期算什么

Menopause, please.

我午饭时间去把子宫切掉 下午两点照样准时上班

I had my uterus yanked out on my lunch hour, and I was back at my desk by 2:00.

跟我来

Follow me...

除非你不想每个小时多挣两块钱

Unless, uh, you don't want that extra $2 an hour.

不行 精灵果汁把我搞成这样

Oh, no. You are not leaving me here alone

你不能在这时候抛下我

when I'm crashing on elf juice.

如果我不能扮演旧时的歌手

If I can't be an old-timey singer,

你也不能扮演圣诞奶奶

you can't be Mrs. Claus.

但我决定背信弃义 对不起啦 姐们儿

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm throwing you under the sled, sister.

每小时多那两块钱

That extra $2 an hour

能让我们离上等的搅拌器又近一步

will bring us closer to the really good mixer.

依照我生活的态势 这可能是

And the way my life is going, this might be my only chance

我嫁给有钱人的唯一机会

to be married to a rich guy.

如果我是你 我会再三检查这身衣服

I'd double-check those tights if I were you.

这紧身衣太恶心了

These tights suck.

你好呀 小精灵

Hi. Hi, elf.

我刚被分配来前线陪你

I just got assigned to the front of the line with you.

我靠

Oh, crap.

是我呀 玛丽

It's me, Mary.

"圣诞玛丽"

"Mary Christmas."

-我哥哥派翠克总这么说 -你说过了

- You know, like my brother Patrick always says. - Yeah, you said that.

我们看上去真有爱 叮铛作响

Look at how cute we look...Jingles!

我刚帮你取了个名字叫"小叮铛"

I just named you Jingles.

懂吗 因为你身上的铃铛

Get it? 'Cause of all your bells.

听着

Oh, listen...

这是我最喜欢的圣诞歌

This is my number-one favorite Christmas song.

你最喜欢的圣诞歌是什么

What's your favorite Christmas song?

《平安夜》 懂吗 因为我想你闭嘴

Silent night. Get it? 'Cause I want you to be silent.

你怎么了

What's the matter with you?

你就像个精灵混蛋

You're acting like an elfhole.

你们好 孩子们

Oh, hello, children!

下一个轮到谁去见我丈夫 圣诞老人

Who's next to see my husband, Santa?

我现在很气你

I am so mad at you right now.

等一下 孩子们

Uh, hold on, children.

圣诞老婆婆跟精灵员工之间

Mrs. Claus is just having an issue

出了点小问题

with one of her elf employees.

你这是干嘛 你怎么了

What are you doing? What's wrong with you?

感恩节我爸抛弃我

You abandon me on Christmas

隔天你就在圣诞节抛弃我

the day after my father abandons me on Thanksgiving?

Balls: 一字多义 有"胆子"与"球"的意思

你胆子挺大啊

You have balls.

圣诞树挂球

Christmas balls...

就是圣诞树上挂的

Like on Santa's tree...

光明节是犹太民族最隆重的节日

与圣诞节期相近

或光明节树

Or a Hanukkah bush.

各有各的烦心事 好吗

Look, I've got my own problems, okay?

圣诞老人有点毛手毛脚的

Santa is kind of hands-y.

当我开始从九小时鸡血澎湃的状态下

And you leave me here with this one

开始走下坡时

when I'm coming down the bad side

你居然扔下我 独自忍受那女的

of nine-hour energy mountain?

我不知道坡底会是什么 不过

I don't know what's at the bottom, but so far,

应该不会是我盼望的《34街奇迹》

not the miracle on 34th Street I was hoping for.

-听着 精灵 -她叫小叮铛

- Well, elf-- - Her name is Jingles.

别逼我出手 玛丽 你再放个屁试试

One more word, Mary, seriously.

躁郁特快与圣诞节电影《极地特快 Polar Express》发音相近

听着 躁郁特快

Listen, Bipolar Express,

你得一路铃儿响叮当地爬回坡上

you need to jingle all the way up that mountain,

因为所有的孩子在看着咱俩呢

because all these kids are looking at us.

你们好呀

Hello!

-给圣诞老人的愿望清单写好了吗 -嗯 写好了

- You got your list for Santa? - Yep. Got it right here.

他在等着你 快进去吧

Well, he's waiting for you, so go right ahead in.

-好耶 咱们走 -你好

- Yay, let's go! - Hi.

你真漂亮 帽子和大衣真配你

Oh, you look so pretty in your hat and your coat.

多谢夸奖

Thank you very much.

我也有过像这样的大衣

I used to have a coat like that.

但她送给驯鹿了 因为不忍心看它受冷

But she gave it to a reindeer because he was very cold.

给圣诞老人的愿望清单都写好啦

Oh, you have your list for Santa?

看看你都想要什么

Let's see what you want.

-漂亮的洋娃娃 -有过

- Ooh, a pretty doll... - Had it.

-儿童简易烤箱 -有过

- An easy-bake oven... - Had it.

-芭比娃娃的美梦洋房 -也有过

- A Barbie dream house. - Oh, had that, too.

这些我全拥有过 现在却一无所有

Had all those things, and now I have nothing--

-没东西来塞我的大洞 -好了

- nothing to stick in my big hole. - Okay.

-小叮铛 你这是干嘛 -告诉他们 麦克斯

- Jingles, what are you doing? - Tell them, Max.

不不 我不是麦克斯 我是圣诞老奶奶

No, no. I'm not Max. I'm Mrs. Claus--

碧昂丝版的圣诞老奶奶

Mrs. Beyonce Claus--

圣诞老人是我的丈夫

and I'm married to Santa.

不 把你跟我说的告诉他们

No, tell them what you told me--

节日不过是通过买礼物来填满心中的大洞

that it's all just stuff we buy to stick in our big holes.

我们结婚五十年了

I've been married for 50 years.

现在再也不想"洞"这档子事了

I don't even think about holes anymore.

她为什么在跟孩子们说"洞"事

Why is she talking to children about holes?

-我来摆平 -好吧

- I'll get her. - Okay.

-卡洛琳 -不 麦斯克 你说得对

- Caroline-- - No, Max, you were right.

他们应该知道真相

They should know the truth.

圣诞老奶奶 管好你的精灵

Mrs. Claus, have a little, uh, elf control.

小叮铛 我们进屋说

Jingles, come into my little house.

不 麦克斯 他们应该知道的

No, Max. They should know.

34街根本没有奇迹

There is no miracle on 34th Street,

生活一点儿也不美好

and it's not such a wonderful life.

如果生活美好 我就不会穿着开裆裤

If it were, I wouldn't be standing here

站在圣诞乐园的正中间

in crotchless tights in the middle of Santaland,

爸爸也不会坐牢 也不会连搅拌器都买不起

with a father in prison, too broke to buy a mixer.

闭嘴 你会毁掉圣诞节的

Stop it, you're gonna ruin Christmas.

圣诞节就是用钱堆砌起来的

Christmas is all about money.

如果你想收到圣诞老人的礼物 你就得掏腰包

If you want stuff from Santa, you got to buy it,

因为这世上根本没有...

because there is no--

圣诞快乐

Merry Christmas!

快把她带走

Get her out of here now.

还有你 把双腿给我并上

And you, put your knees together!

希望我没有毁掉

I hope I didn't ruin Christmas

-那些小朋友的圣诞节 -不 你没有

- for all those sweet children. - No, you didn't.

他们看见的不过是个穿开裆裤的抓狂精灵

All they saw was a crotchless elf freaking out.

但"圣诞玛丽"估计一辈子都好不了了

But "Mary Christmas" will never recover.

两周内 他们会发现她在公寓

They'll find her in her studio apartment in two weeks

慎重地吊死在烟囱上

hung from the chimney with care.

这都怪你

Well, this is all kind of your fault.

是你让我弃明投暗的

You told me to come to the dark side.

我只是让你正视自己的感觉

I just told you to get in touch with your feelings.

我可没想到你会变身成"黑洛林"

I didn't think you'd turn into Darth Caroline.

一旦黑化 就难以回头嘛

Once I went there, I couldn't get back.

是啊 狂喝精灵果汁"没有"推波助澜

Yeah, and chugging that elf juice didn't help.

不只是那饮料

It wasn't just the drink.

在那些礼物让我崩溃前

Before those presents came crashing down on me,

现实早把我击垮了

reality did.

我身无分文 我那个坐牢的爸爸

I have no money and a father in prison

不愿意在感恩节见我

who didn't even want to see me on Thanksgiving.

是啊 这世上还有很多比你更惨的人

Yeah, well, there are a lot of people way worse off than you.

没错 你爸是在坐牢

Yes, your father's in prison,

但至少你有爸爸 还知道他在哪儿

but at least you have one and you know where he is.

你有一个家 有一份工作

And you have a home and a job.

你还他娘的有匹马

And you have a freaking horse.

所以...

So...

节日快乐 生活的确很美好

Happy holidays. It is a wonderful life.

你说得对 我很幸运

You're right. I am so lucky.

既然现在咱俩很可能 是最有节日精神的时刻

Well, since right now is the closest to the Christmas spiritwe're probably gonna get,

圣诞老人托我把你的圣诞礼物给你

Santa wanted me to give you your Christmas present now.

我们的新搅拌器

It's our new mixer.

我们得用传统方法了

We're gonna old-school it.

你送我个勺子

Aw, you spooned me.

我觉得惭愧 没给你准备礼物

I feel bad. I didn't get you anything.

麦克斯 你给了我一切

Max, you got me everything.

遇到你之前 我只能住在地铁里 你看现在...

Before you, I was living on a subway, and now look...

我住在地铁附近

I'm living near a subway.

是你买的吗

So did you buy this?

不 圣诞老人送的

No, it's from Santa.

小叮铛 是你偷的吗

Jingles, did you steal this?

是

Yeah.

在他们扔咱们出去时 我趁乱拿的

I grabbed it when they were throwing us out.

卡洛琳·钱宁

Wow, Caroline Channing.

继续努力的话 想去监狱看你爸就再不用经过批准了

You keep this up, and you won't have to ask permission to visit your father in prison.

救世军是基督教教派

以街头布道和慈善活动 社会服务著称

但我有从蛋糕基金里拿出两块钱

But I did give $2 of our cupcake-fund money

给救世军的圣诞老人

to the Salvation Army Santa.

上帝保佑我们大家 生活很美好

So God bless us, everyone! It's a wonderful life!

像这种时候 我就会超级想念"黑洛林"

It's times like this I really miss Darth Caroline.